Every brush of cloud and furrowed brow...

Oh yeah...

2006-12-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

Just in case you are stopping by here and don't know... I have a new journal over here:

http://www.professional-daydreamer.blogspot.com

Stop by, and leave a comment!
. . .

For Your Consideration

2006-11-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

I can't wait.

Randoms.

2006-11-02T20:39:00.000-05:00

The Graduation.

2006-10-28T17:50:00.000-05:00

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

I'm number ONE!!!!

2006-10-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

So, in case you haven't read this via MySpace or the Orchard....

I took the Program Final and PASSED it... so I'm graduating!!! Can't believe it. It was rather difficult, and I totally didn't feel confident after taking it. But, you can bet my eyes lit up when my professor told me 'congratulations'. :)

So, now it's more studying for the State Medical Board in December.

Thank you, God.

:)

...

My only fear is this thing now...

2006-10-18T22:32:00.000-05:00

With an abysmal sigh, all I can think of is how nervous I am. God, please let me do well on this Anatomy and Physiology exam. I'm actually willing to sell my soul for it. Any takers?

And yet, there's still ... I bet he doesn't think I'm pretty anymore. Heh. I guess it's gone now that I expressed it.
Beauty is only epidermis deep. (lil' a&p humor)

Well, that's all.
. . .

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2006-10-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

So, it's October and I wanted to remind you of a little link I have on the right-hand column. You can click on it there or from this entry. Just go to the site and click on the "free mammogram" button. Do it whenever you can... just takes a minute!

Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

Tall Stacks - Day 4

2006-10-09T20:11:00.000-05:00

Over the Rhine
Old Crow Medicine Show
Wilco

Well, by the time my favourites played... I was Tall Stacked-out.
Over the Rhine put on a pretty amazing show. They invited a nice fella from the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. He added the mandolin, violin, and banjo. They also had a 3 piece horn section, a new drummer, and a familiar bass player. I'm guessing they're gonna use these extras on the new album, and I'm sure it will sound even more fantastic. I was very pleased how they took the opportunity to do something a little different with their set. There were quite a few folks there... probably a couple thousand.
It was great to see some folks I haven't seen in a while... Dan/Marg, Luke and Nichole(!), etc... even Casie came along for the show. Go her. As well as Tish, Zayne, Kimberly, Bill, Stiv and Amanda... I feel like I'm leaving someone out.
After their set I got some saratoga chips from the Montgomery Inn. Mmm Mmm Mmm. Their sauce is like heaven's barbeque. Anyhoo ...

Old Crow was just like usual. Very good. Although, with them and all those little instruments(fiddle/banjo/upright bass) I think it sounds better in a smaller venue. They had quite a turn-out. We were all the way in the back of the grassy knoll, so that could have made it not sound so great. As well as the guy standing beside us who kept saying "this sound sucks ass". No, really? It's a festival. The sound isn't supposed to good, jerk. *smile*
So, I was happy with the show... Bill, Zayne, and I skipped out at the very end to catch a coupla tunes from Medeski, Martin, and Wood. They're a jazz/funk/techno(?) kinda band. I can't listen to that sorta stuff for very long, it all starts to run together. So, then we ran back down to the other stage to catch...

Wilco. Now, that's a rock band. I've never seen them live. And apparently the lead singer's mother passed away previously in the week, but he said he had to play otherwise it would make her mad. Sad and crazy. He sure put on a good show.
By the time this show came around, I was exhausted. But alas, my dear friend Bruce showed up. And everything is always better with Bruce. He's so funny, he has so much energy! So, he sang along with most of the songs and we moved our hips a little and took some photos. It was a great show. I wish I knew the setlist. Great stuff. I love his voice.

Afterwards, Bill and I went to Arthur's(muh fav place) and got some warm food. Good times.

Tall Stacks was really great. I felt so blessed and enriched catching all that music. I'm pretty sure I heard some of the greatest music ever. I missed a coupla bands that I really wanted to see... Kim Taylor, Tift Merritt, and Rhett Miller. I'm sure they'll come around again.
There's talk of them doing the music portion of the event on a yearly basis. Woohoo!

Till next time...

p.s. this post is about 4 days too late. :) thanks for reading!

Tall Stacks - Day 3

2006-10-07T00:31:00.000-05:00

Ricky Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder
John Hiatt

So, this was my first time seeing both. What a great nite for music. There was a little chill in the air, the stars were out, and the river was calm. I found myself thanking God more often than normal. I truly needed it.
John Hiatt's music makes my heart beat a little differently. There's such a realness about his writing, and even the way he plays guitar and piano. Im having trouble describing the way I feel. I'm just thankful I got to see that tonite. It was beautiful.

Ricky Skaggs is always great to listen to. Those are some really talented musicians. Their stories are always so interesting to me. Makes me wish I would have grown up in West Virginia somewhere(s). It was a toe-tappin' good time.
Bluegrass always takes me back. My grandpa was the only person I knew who listened to bluegrass when I was growing up. I remember standing next to him in our little small-town park on the 4th of July, listening to his favourite music. Bluegrass. I probably didn't like it then, but it put down some deep roots in me. And now, I have my brother and sister to thank for keeping me up-to-date.

I feel blessed tonite.

"God bless whatever god you got goin' on..." - John Hiatt

...

Tall Stacks - Day 2

2006-10-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

The Del McCoury Band
Rosanne Cash

Kim and I rode down to the river to meet up with Casie and Beth and listen to Del McCoury... I didn't pay as much attention to them b/c we were all drinky and chatty. They were very good, tho. Kim absolutely loves them. It was so cold! Near the end of the show, we made it up to the front of the stage for Rosanne Cash. I have to say I was a little disappointed with her. Her latest album is really great, but her live show is just not as impressive. She needed some drums or something. I do love her voice, tho. I did get to meet her after the show. Bill had sent me some posters to get signed... so I gave some away and got 2 signed, one for Bill/one for me. She wasn't the most friendly person, but then again, it was like 40 degrees outside. I tried to get a pic with her, and that didn't work out. But I did get a close-up. Ha.

So... it was a decent nite. Now I wish I would have gone to see Rodney Crowell... I heard per Mariesa that he was very good.

More music comin' up....

Tall Stacks - Day 1

2006-10-05T00:51:00.000-05:00

The Reverend Al Green

Wow. I honestly never thought I'd be able to see him perform. He has so much joy... after he hits a high note, he smiles ear to ear... like it's the first time it's ever happened. It was such a great show. I wish it could have been longer. It rained off and on... pretty hard. But we kept dancing!
I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to see him. My friend Roger touched his hand! Haha.
What a great nite!

Music is the drug.

...More like the girl I seem

2006-09-24T02:37:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I went to the theater and saw the Illusionist. I really liked it. I don't really have much to say other than... you should see it.

I love going to the show. I realized how inspired I become while watching a movie on the big screen. Or even at home if it's really good.
Like slipping thru a little tear in reality... Looking at life thru someone else's eyes. What an amazing feeling. It's the same feeling I get when I take a picture or write or try to paint. Pretty much as good as being in love. Or, those times you're praying to God and you feel like he's on the other side of the table sipping coffee with you.
Whatever gives you that feeling... I hope you find it often.

In other news, I think I'm getting to the better side of dealing with the anger I mentioned earlier. When I do feel it, I think of how good letting go feels. Every feeling aside, I know I'm better off. I hate having regrets. I also hate the decision I made. Yes, I learned from it. But, I don't think I needed to go thru that again. Maybe I did, I don't know. I just feel used by it all. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it... I write about it now b/c soon, I won't have a thing to say about it.
I have express this - I know why I never liked his writing... b/c it didn't come from the place it's suppposed to come from. It was farce. It doesn't bother me now that those words were just that, words. It bothers me more that he took writing and music and creativity for granted. Respect it, don't betray it. Be real. That may sound a little strange if you don't understand what I mean... I apologize if it's not coming out right.

It does feel good to finally let it go.

So, we're saying good-bye to Summer. Sweet, sweet Summer.
There's nothing like Summer. Warm air, the way the sun shines thru the windows in the morning, fresh-cut grass. Mmm.
But Autumn. The Fall. I love it. The wine-colored leaves, the fresh cool air, walks in the evenings, hot chocolate, wearing sweaters and fleeces, etc.
Welcome, Fall.
Anyhoo - thanks for letting me talk. My throat hurts, so I'm gonna go now.

P.s. I just got the coolest shirt. It's navy blue with little orange-ish musical intruments on it. And when I got home, I realized it says 'music happens' on the back! Sweet.

Cubs game.

2006-09-24T02:35:00.000-05:00

We had a lot of fun. It was rained out in the 5 , therefore we couldn't use our tix for another game in the series. Thanks a lot Mother-nature! We had planned on going down to the Midpoint Music Fest to see Kim Taylor. And then Ric Hordinski... but the rain put a stop to that as we were trapped in the stadium watching the torrential down-pour. So, we set out for some food and cheap beer at Friday's. I can't believe we didn't go to Arthurs. What was I thinking?! Anyhoo... fun nite, just didn't go as planned.

Shots and giggles.

2006-08-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't posted any photos in a while... here are a bunch of random pictures I've taken lately. I hope you like them, if not... that's your problem. I joke.
Enjoy. :)

. . .

Let's write a story...

2006-08-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

So... it's been a long time. How are you?

I'm in a poor mood, and probably shouldn't be writing. Much less journaling.
I'm gonna tell you what's really bothering me. It's important, and I really need to open the flood gates.
Here's the thing... I'm living with quite a bit of hatred. I mean... when I think of this one person, and every tiny little memory or moment we had, and everything to do with that spot in my life is just painful. Just pain. Now, it's not the kind of pain that is wearing on me or making we weak. It's more like... everytime I see something or hear a song or glance at a picture... it's just this twinge in my heart. Not a knife b/c he's obviously not that sharp. Just... pain. And a lot of disappointment in someone I held with high regard. It's sad really... how someone can be so ingeniune. What an awful feeling(read: person).
I don't like it, and I certainly can't help it. I'm sure a lot of you know by now that Joe and I got back together... and then, once again, he took another path. Sure... I know there are things I should have done differently. Small things. Honestly, I know it wasn't me. That guy... well, we won't get into it. I'm not writing to bash. I'm writing to help myself. It just makes me so angry that I let him back in... with hardly any questions asked, after one of the worst break-up stories anyone has ever heard... and then he just... took it all way. Again. That sorta thing has the tendency to mess a girl up pretty bad. Heart-broken. Twice. By the same fickle guy.
And, in the process... I hurt someone else who means a lot to me b/c I felt like I was doing what I had to do. I could have handled it a little better than I did, but that's another topic.
So it was a bad situation all around. I certainly didn't need all of those new memories, words, and promises. Nite and day.
Anyhoo, after I certain point I realized I can't let it get me down like it did the first time. But, I think most of that thought came from anger. Which isn't so healthy. I'd rather work past it, not just be mad and hate him. But, man it's hard not to just wish terrible things for him. (i'm totally not that kind of person)
I mean, he didn't really consider my feelings when he told me he "wants better". That kinda makes me laugh now. Wanna know why? B/c he isn't good enuf for better. It doesn't get better than me. *grin* I digress.
So... how do I work past this w/o anger? I just want to be over it. Honestly. I've always been bad about investing too much energy into people who don't deserve it.
I'll be a better person for it. I know it.

I've been trying to mend a relationship. I'm ashamed of the way I acted, and I completely regret the way it all happened. I'm just hoping, at this point, to gain back some trust. It's killing me now... I just want to get it all on the table, be completely honest... but I guess I'm waiting for the rite time. It's really important to me.
I hope it works out.

In other news... I feel like I've gotten out a lot more this summer than I did last year. Which is cool. I've had a coupla dates. Which is great... I'm having a good time doing that. I've spent a fair amount of time on the river. Which I love. I've seen some good shows... and there are more to come. Yay for listening to new music. I feel like I'm doing my part. Patty Griffin, Tres Chicas, Donavon Frankenreiter... to name a few.

I got transferred to another crew with the park board. I love it. And they like me. It's a really good thing!
...

I just want to be real. I want to do better. I want to be connected to the important people in my life. And I'm not going to let anyone ruin that. Life is about relationships, and living rather than existing. I don't want it any other way.

Thanks for reading and looking thru my photos. There will be more posted soon... I hope.

G'day.

So, I feel like I need to add a big p.s.

P.S. The major topic in this journal entry isn't really on my mind that much. It was. There are so many more important issues in my life. [/me]

A new family...

2006-08-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

My brother and his wife(Amie) asked me to take some photos of them just 2 weeks before the birth of their first child. Ella Katherynn blessed the world with her presence on August 31. Here are a few pictures from "the shoot" (heh)... I'll add some more of her later. She is just all-together-lovely.

. . .

So....

2006-08-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

I'll be updating soon. I hate getting behind with this thing. I hope you're all well, b/c I sure am!

Here's a quick snap taken from the Pendleton Arts Center, downtown Cinci.

. . .

See you soon.

It runs deep...

2006-06-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna waste your time
With music you don't need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won't even read
I've got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
I don't wanna waste your time
With music you don't need

I don't wanna waste good wine
If you won't stick around
I love to laugh but I'm more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won't pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don't wanna waste good wine
If you won't stick around

So come on, lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I'm just tryin' to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

I don't wanna waste the words
That you don't seem to need
When it comes to what is real
There is no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
I don't wanna waste your time
With music you don't need
. . .

-Over the Rhine

My First Cubs Game...

2006-06-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

Oh, it was good. :) Cubs won 6-5. Sweet.

I can't wait to go to Wrigley!
Once again, we started the wave and got our section going... so much fun.

. . .

Stormy nite...(all around)...

2006-06-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

I specialize in....

2006-05-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

I figured I should update. Now probably isn't the best time, but I'll just leave some things out.
Life has been quite mundane, lately. I'm back in the swing of the ol' full-time job working for the city at Mt. Airy. I wish I were a rock-star.
School hasn't started back up, yet. Not until June. I don't have to take both courses this time around... just A&P... with a different professor. I'm a little worried... hopefully, I'll get started on the rite track and finish out with a bang instead of a boom. Heh. Lil' failure humor. Err.
I've been trying to exercise more. I like to walk in the evening. I got a new pair of running shoes, so I'm pretty excited about that. (Thanks to Kimberly)
So, the lesser thing on my mind rite now is... Do you ever notice how hard it is to keep up with housework? Sheesh. I feel like I have to do it everyday. Of course, I'm OCD(un-diagnosed). :)
Moving on, I wish I could take a roadtrip. I wouldn't mind going home just to chill out. I was home for Mother's Day.
-picturebreak-

It was fun. We(joe and i) didn't get to make all the stops we'd hoped too...
I like all the colors in that picture.
A picture really does say a 1000 words especially when the words aren't being said in real-time.
Anyhoo, I love my Josephine.
I'm feeling rather out of touch with my online world. So, what's new with you? :) Feel free to comment.
I should go before I ramble myself into trouble.

Have a good day, folks. Hopefully, I'll be posting some new photos soon.
. . .

We will write because we are born drunk on the wine of God. -linford detweiler

Strawberries and flowers...

2006-05-02T19:11:00.000-05:00

I just keep hopin' for some good shots. . .

He's grown up so fast...

2006-04-27T21:58:00.000-05:00

Disappointment.

2006-04-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot of you know I had a big exam today. I didn't pass. Therefore, I do not get to graduate with my fellow classmates. I wanted it so bad. I studied so hard. So hard.
And any of the folks I study with would tell you that I know the information. I just get really nervous. Anxious to the point of no return.
I'm so disappointed with myself.

So, I'll probably be taking the 4th quarter over and taking the State Medical Board in December instead of June.

Everyone believed I could do it. I guess I didn't.

Thanks for the prayers, tho. Everything happens for a reason...

Random Photographs.

2006-03-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

So, how 'bout this weather?

2006-02-21T00:04:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm always adding "life is crazy" in my entries. But it is. Always.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. School is insane. And hopefully, coming to an end. I'm really scared about passing and taking the state medical board. (holy cow!)
I feel behind on the muscles, mostly. Ya'll have no idea how many we have to know. It feels impossible.

I've found a job. Unfortunately, it's a slow start. I went in today for orientation, and will be on the schedule soon. Oh,... Buffalo Wild Wings is the employer. B-dubs. BW3's. Sheesh. I'm not that excited about it. But that's alrite. I'm not trying to act spoiled or anything, I'm very grateful I found a job. And so are my parents. (Keith is pretty happy, too) ;)
I just have to get used to working weekends and never knowing how much money I'm gonna have, again.

Maybe the park board will re-hire me in the spring time. :) (I know everyone misses my huge guns)

Something(read: someone) else has been on my mind too.
It's a Boy™.
And he lives far away. Some of you know about this, some of you don't... that's the beauty of it. :) For now, I'll just say he's really great and I'm happy to have the opportunity to get to know him. Stay tuned for posssible updates.

Aww, a picture...

...

So, I'm off to study... b/c that's how I roll.

Good day, folks.

. . .

2006-02-10T01:35:00.000-05:00

I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream.

- Vincent Van Gogh

A few more...

2006-02-04T01:37:00.000-05:00

Hmm...

2006-01-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to decide if I like these. I thought it'd be fun to mess around with them on a photoshop-type program. They really don't look anything like the original shots.

Norwood Scenery...

2006-01-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

Not your cup o' tea? So.

2006-01-18T00:24:00.000-05:00

. . .

2006-01-17T01:05:00.000-05:00

Happy? New Year.

2006-01-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

Hi folks.

I've been rather bored with myself lately. The holidays are over, I'm jobless, school is starting back up, and my creativity is, um, lazy.

How are you? I'm not gonna ask you had a "good" Christmas or how you "rang" in the new year. I feel so blah. Can ya tell? :)

The cable bill is due. and by "due" i mean overdue. MySpace is addicting during boredom. I took my tree down last nite. Normally, that makes me sad. Not this year. I didn't even get buzzed on New year's eve. I have an interest in a guy I hardly know. But I don't think it's mutual. I miss...
I'm feeling really restless and kind of sad. I think it partially has to do with the weather. Partially b/c somedays I'd rather be living the life of someone else. I should have looked for a job today, but I figure I should feel confident when I do that... so, maybe Wednesday. I'm not trying to sound depressing... I feel like I have a.d.d. I can't focus on one thought for nothin'! It's kind of a crazy feeling but also helps me be more productive. Just takes longer to get things done. Heh. I'm listening to Kim Taylor. She's got it goin' on. I'm thinking about spending my xmas money on Crest Whitestrips(R). I reeally don't want to spend it on bills. I did that last year and for my birthday. I kind of deserve to have to spend it on responsibility, I just don't want to. I want whiter teeth. I miss my brother, and I hope my sister is doing alrite. I should call her. Casie just called, she needs help picking out furniture but didn't call me before she left. She's calling again. I wonder why I wasn't born closer to the ocean. Like, some people might say that if I were born closer to the (beloved) ocean... I might not love it as much. But that is oh-so not true.
It's really storming. I just thought of something. Today has reminded me of being in Japan... the weather, anyway. It was January and 60 degress, no sun. I bet that's the reason. For my mood.

I need to do the dishes.

"I love you more than I can say..."

. . .

I'll leave you with a picture of my friend's daughter. She's so beautiful.

Narcissism and a Poll.

2005-12-13T00:02:00.000-05:00

So...

I straightened my hair tonite and I'm wondering what you fine folks might think of it.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit 2:

Greetings, ya'll...

2005-12-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

I just wanna step in rite quick to thank my friends for reading/leaving comments in my journal. Sometimes, it just seems to make life a little easier knowing I have some real genuine folks in my life.

Some lyrics have been lining my thoughts today, and of course they're from OtR.

"Courage is a weapon we must use, to find some life we can't refuse... ".

. . .

Love,
kylie

Blah Blah Blah...

2005-12-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

So, life can be quite overwhelming.

In the news: I'm digging the new apartment over here on Hazel Avenue.
It's so gloriously vintage! I'll try and get some pictures posted when I get my NEW DIGITAL CAMERA! :) (... kinda excited about that) I haven't been able to unpack everything just yet... Hopefully that will change this weekend.
Finals are this week... tonite's exam wasn't too bad... but the A & P final is a completely different story. Lots o' studying on the way.
My job at the park is ending in less than 2 weeks. So, I have to find something else... soon. I guess I'll start looking next week. I haven't had time to even think about it until, well... until after Thursday. :) So, we'll see. Wish me luck.

Previously, I had something "exciting" to post about, but that's over now. I'd started seeing a young fella about a month ago... but I just didn't feel like it was working out. He's a great guy, just not for me.

OtR's Xmas tour is kicking off... including the Taft show coming up very soon. I'm hoping for a magical nite. I'm excited.

So, there you go.

Life is crazy.

Also, if anyone in the area wants a free massage(tips accepted)... let me know. I'm trying to get the ball rolling. You know you wanna. ;)

I hope you're enjoying the frickin' freezing weather we're having!

I'll talk to you soon.
. . .

It's never quite what it seems.

2005-11-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

I recieved a message today that's made me very uneasy. It was a message from a dear friend, and it wasn't the first of its type. I can't even respond b/c I just feel like a huge disappointment, and I don't want to be that to those people. Not them, they've done too much for me. What should I do? How do I go about keeping these friendships that are so important to me? I messed up, and I'm truly sorry for the way I over-reacted. But it's done now. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time and it gets me into trouble. When I'm stressed... I believe it's much worse. And when that happens, honestly, I just don't want to be me.
This journal entry isn't for show or even an effort to mend what's happened. I just need to get some of it out into the open. I'm just not sure what to do. Part of me wants to just be done with it all and not subject these fine folks to my erratic behavior any longer. But on the other hand, I can't just leave. It's too much a part of my life, and the relationships are far too important to just let go.

I feel sick over it. I just don't know.

"I wanna do better... I wanna try harder..."

...

Just one thing...

2005-11-20T22:51:00.000-05:00

Go Colts!

10-0.

Blah Blah Blah

2005-11-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

So, I'm gonna update my journal sometime in the near future... I hope.
I really enjoy doing it, I just never have the time to sit around and piece together my thoughts and feelings. Bah. I'm gonna be moving to the "happier" side of Norwood in about 2 weeks(I can't believe how fast the time goes). I'm ready... it's gonna be really hectic with finals/the end of the quarter/work... but I'm ready. Honestly, I just want to get it over with so I can feel settled.

So... I've got a lot of reading to do. I've been trying to read 2 books, plus school stuff. OH my goodness, I just remembered something! ...

Anyhoo, I may or may not update in a few days b/c i may or may not have something exciting going on. :)

...

Exactly How I Feel...

2005-10-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

"We write these songs[words] because we want to feel things deeply and listen well to our lives. So in times of loss, maybe we feel a bit more than we wish we did, and this makes it exceptionally painful."
-l.d.

More later...

Not well.

2005-10-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

So, as if life's outlook hasn't been uncertain enough lately... today I got final word on the apartment situation. I have to be out November 31st. That's a month and a half to find something different. Thanks, landlord. I'm quite upset. I never planned on moving out a year after I moved into this place... I love it. I've decorated in accordance with the colors of the walls. I planned on living here as long as I was in school. This sucks so much. And on top of having to move... my roommate is strongly thinking about moving out on her own. She's lived with other girls for 6 years now... I understand she wants to have her own stuff, and live in a bigger place, and be on her own. I'm just not sure I'm ready to be on my own. Which... "has nothing to do with her". It's already pretty lonely most days. I don't have a lot of friends I can just call to go out to dinner or whatever. I don't want to live alone.
It's bordering on being too much to handle. Truly. I don't know how in the world I'm gonna find a place in this small amount of time. Right around the holidays, near the end of my 3rd quarter of school, cold weather, so much uncertainty. (God, give me strength.)
It just feels like I've had a lot of bad luck recently and I'm worn down. Mentally and physically.The car accident sure didn't help matters. I know ("deep down") it will work out. But man, I feel like quitting. And obviously, this is the "upset Kylie" talking. I don't know where to look for the positive, I don't even feel like I have time for that.
This is so blah-blah. But, it's my journal and I guess this is what it's for. Hopefully in a day or two... I'll have found the better side of this situation.
Just send some prayers or good thoughts towards Norwood.
As always, thanks for reading. Have a good day.

...

It's good...

2005-09-21T22:54:00.000-05:00

So I had the opportunity to see the Reds, for the 3rd time... for free... seats just above the dugout. So, the picture isn't that great... but look how close we were sitting!!!
Sweet.

Someday... I'm gonna see the Cubs from seats this close. And all will be well with my soul. :) Sometimes, I really enjoy this city.
I went with my friend from work, Angie. Her boyfriend hooked us up with the tix(and some nachos, hotdogs, and beer). Haha.
We had such a good time... we even made the BIG SCREEN. How cool is that?!

I tried to start the wave... but did not have the success I had at the last Reds game I attended. Did I tell you about it? No? Oh... I started the wave and it went half-way around the stadium. Cool, huh? :)
So anyhoo... the fellas on the right side of us agree to do the wave. They were fun. But when I asked the old(and I mean "old") dude on the other side... he replied, "Nooooooooo". As if I'd asked him to shave the hair off of his right arm. He was not fun. But that's ok.
I took my baseball glove... but nothing came within range. Bah.

So that was a fun nite.

I have more exciting news. And another picture.
My crew-leader at the park showed me how to run two of our mowers. A John Deer "zero turn" and a bigger machine called a Kubota. So what did I do at work... I cut grass. That's rite... I'm a grass-cutter. I cut grass. :) Yay!
I dorked out and had them take a picture of me...

It's too bad you can't see my raging biceps and steel-toe boots. ;)

So, anyhoo... Thanks for reading. I'll talk to you soon.
. . .

Must listen...

2005-09-19T22:06:00.000-05:00

This is some of the best music you'll ever hear. Listen. Now!

http://www.crowmedicine.com/

Listen to 'Wagon Wheel'... or watch the video.

Cinci folks... they're playing at the Southgate House on October 21st!

Go on. Listen. :)

Cryptic.

2005-09-12T23:11:00.000-05:00

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Hattiesburg, MS

2005-09-04T23:13:00.000-05:00

I used to know some folks from Mississippi. If you read this, I sincerely hope you're all ok.

Peace.

2005-09-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

www.redcross.org

Dear Diary...

2005-09-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

So I walked into Caribou Coffee tonite during our break from class. I felt suddenly lonely. Or alone. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference. I reminisced about the last time I was in a Caribou Coffee. It must have been 2 years ago. I remember the aroma of the air around us and the scent of the unexpected rain as we sat outside drinking our 'caramel coolers'. We giggled and talked about the drive home. And our plans for the near future. It was nice. And perfect.
There's so much I don't understand. And I truely hope I don't have to live my entire life that way.(I know, I know... I'm young.) I'd give anything to know why.
My heart is heavy. All of these thoughts are clouding my mind, and there's no reason for it, really. I feel like puking.

Blah blah blah.

All that is Airy...

2005-08-31T14:40:00.000-05:00

This is my beautiful little boy, my perfect bundle of joy. Haha. This is my new kitten... Harrold Airy Forrest Wilkerson. Or "Airy" for short. I found him at the park while I was at work a coupla weeks ago.
His interests are biting Kylie's fingers/toes/ankles, sitting in the window sill, climbing on everything in the apartment, sitting on shoulders, and being the cutest kitten in the world. :)

Fun in the sun...

2005-08-31T11:44:00.000-05:00

So last weekend Kimberly and Justin came down to meet the Amazing AiryCat. In addition to them being here, our friend Lindsey came down to visit Casie and party hardcore with the Parrottheads. We had a lot of fun... so I'm gonna share a few pictures. *applause*
The photos from the Jimmy Buffett tail-gating shin-dig. I'm not gonna post all the pictures I have b/c some of them... well, "what happens at a Jimmy Buffett concert, stays at a Jimmy Buffett concert!" My only hope is that none of us ever run for public office. ;)
...

Casie(and co-worker Stephanie)...

Oh, look... it appears as tho I'm not wearing a top! :)

Lindsey and Kimberly...

Awww...

Pretty cool... we've been friends since we were 12...

Kim and Justin...

Word for the day: Suck.

2005-08-14T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today sucked with a side of suck sauce.

I had to work, which was ok. But it's Sunday... I didn't want to work, I wanted to sleep in and watch a Lifetime movie and lay out. Bah.
And then, my laptop stopped working. I hope I can fix it. I love that thing.
I thought I was gonna get to actually dress up a bit, and go on a date. Well, I waited. And waited. He never called or anything. Jerk. Why ask me out? Why pursue me if you're just gonna be completely rude and waste my time?
And then... I had a "friend" tell me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. That took the cake. I cried. And that sucked. I hate crying when the other person doesn't deserve the energy. I wish I could write people off the way they write me off.
Basically, everyone leaves. That seems to be the trend. Not feeling sorry for myself, not pushing "guilt". Just sayin'.

So yeah.

today+ men - my laptop = sucky

I'm out.

Soap, turkey, and fruit...

2005-08-07T00:59:00.000-05:00

Geez, I'm exhausted.
I started working for the Hamilton County Park Board. I love being outside all day, but it's a lot of hard work and the crew is sorta rough. Altho, I found out today one of the dudes has a little crush on me. I don't really roll that way, but it's kinda cute. And I work with a really cool chick, so that makes the time pass a lot quicker. Anyhoo, I like it. And I'm getting buff. :)
It's going to be a rough coupla months, I think. Working full time, plus some shifts at the The Dubliner(which is so full of drama rite now) and school two nites a week and then studying on top of that. Wth?(What the heck?) I guess it's gonna "build character" and such. There's always room for character(and Jello®).

I've also met someone new. I was at my favourite park(http://http://www.cincinnati-oh.gov/cityparks/pages/-4959-/) 2 weeks ago, and a very nice looking young fella approached me. We chatted about the books we were reading, and then he asked me to go for a drink at Starbucks. We talked for a couple of hours, and exchanged numbers. So since then we've hung out twice. Once a movie and a lot of talking. And then on Sunday we went canoeing in the Little Miami River. It was a lot of fun. I told him he has to take me out to dinner, so that will be happening soon. :)
I genuinely enjoy his presence and obviously it's rather new. But I keep getting the feeling of wanting to be with someone who knows me, someone I know. Maybe it's just all the new-ness surrounding my life in the past few weeks?? Maybe I'm settling down in my old age. ;) It's a feeling I don't want to go into great detail about b/c it could get quite personal. And nobody wants that! That reminds me, I don't think he's very sarcastic and that's hard for me to understand. :)
But he's seriously good-looking and very nice. We also had dinner with his brother(and his g/f). They were very nice, but they seem to have it all together. Does that make anyone else nervous? I'm young, and my life is sorta ridiculous a lot of the time... I feel very uneasy around those types of people. But that's my problem... more power to them for having it all together!
So, we'll see how things go. I'm enjoying it and if nothing else... I've made a new friend. (That just reminded me... I'm supposed to call him. Ha.)

Life is so crazy rite now. I don't have time for anything it seems. I really need to go to the store! I'm running out of the essenstials... like soap and stuff. Stop the insanity!!! (whoa, susan powers)

I wanna go back on vacation! It was so laid back, and relaxing. It's nice to be around my family like that. I really miss them. And I miss the beach rite now... no, rite now. I think I'm gonna have to move to a beach. Maui, perhaps.
Anyhoo, I only have one picture from vacation as of now. It's my homemade postcard! :)

Haha.
Well, I gotta go to sleep b/c that's how I roll now. I go to bed before midnite. C-razy.

I'll be posting again shortly b/c I have to do this book meme that Zayne sent me. Bah. ;)

Farewell, fine folks.

...(...)

2005-07-24T02:51:00.000-05:00

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line, if I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you
(I miss you)
...

-Incubus

2005-07-13T01:16:00.000-05:00

life gets pretty heavy
i wish it was light.

no more today, thanks.

The Adventures of C-dogg and K.J.

2005-06-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

Last weekend a seed was planted. A dream was born. A trip was contrived. Casie and I made the plans to go to Paramount's Kings Island(pki for short) on Sunday June 27th. *cue dramatic music*
And that folks, is exactly what we did.
We had soooo much fun. And thanks to LouisBille, we didn't have to pay for tickets! We looked forward to it all week. We planned to hit up the water park(we're sungoddesses) and then ride the coasters in the evening. We prepared for fun in the sun. We bought beach towels, a cooler, we carefully decided what to pack the nite before, and I debuted my new orange bikini.
Once we arrived at the park, we headed straight for the waterpark... this place was *awesome*. I can't wait to go back. There are cool water rides, a lazy river(oh heaven), and a pool with a wave machine. It really felt like the ocean! They had a bar, and a band, and anything you could ever need or want! You might say it's a magical place. Here's a pic of me and Casie while having our lunch...

After lunch, we hung out with some of her co-workers from the nursing home. They're really down-to-earth folks. We took a ride on the lazy river, and then rode the coolest raft ride EVER. We laughed a lot. After that we layed out for a bit and then headed into the park for some roller-coaster-lovin'-fun!

Our first choice was Tomb Raider. Whoa. (Whoa.) We had no idea what to expect, but it was awesome and all-together-dramatic. **Descend into the ancient tomb of the illuminati guarded by the Warrior Goddess Durga, just as the planets align - and become enmeshed in an epic test of fire and ice! Hurtling through the darkness, you'll come face-to-face with glistening, razor-sharp stalactites and roiling, red-hot lava pits, twisting and turning as you struggle against the fury of nature's polar opposites in a desperate effort to escape!** We giggled the entire time... it was such a good ride... I'm pretty sure we hung upside down for 10 seconds over "molten red hot lava"! 5 stars.

The second ride was The Beast. Now, I hate roller coasters just as much as I love them. This ride is scary. It's wooden, it's fast, and it's rough. (ladies, wear support.) The Beast was born in the 70's, I believe. Dude, my *mom* has ridden this ride... so naturally I had to conquer my fear of wooden roller coasters. We got to what we thought was the end, and Casie suddenly remembered there was more... "the best part" is what she called it. So fast. So rough. It was pretty sweet. Screaming and all. 4 stars.

After that, we rode Son of Beast. A higher, faster version of The Beast. Freakin' A. This ride was insane. The only looping wooden roller coaster... with speeds of 78 mph and a descent of 214 feet. Sooo fun, and a little smoother. 4 stars.

We rode a few others, but those were definitely the high-lites! I'm sorry I don't have a picture for everyone to see... we decided not to get one b/c we were either not looking at the camera or I was in mid-scream. And that is not so attractive. :)

Here's another pic of us after a day of sun. We got pretty red, and freckly. You can't really tell, tho.

Here's a pic of Cincinnati's own the Eiffel Tower...

We finished off the nite with some Larosa's Pizza by the water fountains. It was nice to finally sit down.

It was such a perfect day. Neither of us had been to Kings Island in a long time. It had been since high school for me... we used to have to make a 4 hour trek on a school bus full of stinky teenagers, but this time we only had to drive 25 min. :) We can't wait to go back!

However, as much as I enjoyed myself at PKI, I still think Cedar Point is the best!

...

2005-06-18T00:14:00.000-05:00

...
Me and Derek at Beatniks. It had been such a long time since I'd gone in there. They always make me feel so welcome. I love that place.

2005-06-18T00:11:00.000-05:00

...
This is my brother and his new girlfriend, Amie. She's a looker. I haven't met her yet. When I think of them, I smile and sorta tear-up. I know he's happy.

2005-06-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

Naked men on Music Row in Nashville. Very cool piece of art!

2005-05-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

...

Laying it down.

2005-05-19T00:21:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing. I cannot write anything worth reading to save my life. It's very frustrating. Writing has always been an outlet for me(even if I keep most of it private), but for some reason, for the last month or so... I haven't been able to manufacture a clear thought. It's driving me nuts.
I fancy myself as a some-what creative person. The juices are flowing. I keep filling up, but there is no release. What if I just blow up one day? Bits of kylie everywhere. Eeeesh.
Maybe it's b/c I haven't been reading for leisure. I have tons of books on my list. I've started a nice little library, if I do say so muh-self. Do you think it's wrong to buy books just b/c I think they look good on my vintage bookshelves? :) Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand. What in the Sam-hill is my problem?
I've played a lot of guitar the past few days... thinking it might help... it has not. I've been playing a few Gillian Welch songs. A few OtR songs from Drunkard's Prayer. And a few of my own chords. I began a poem, but Zayne had to rearrange it to make it sound better. That's how much I suck. "Hi, I'm kylie and I'm addicted to writing sucky poems." (**Hi kylie**)
Here, read this... maybe you can help... maybe we can write a poem together. Maybe we could dance...
----------------------------------------------------------
i've had this song on repeat for hours
this melody has been opened,
chords licking the wounds of one soul wrenched with pain.
my calloused fingers cling to the strings
ringing of truth
locked, and lovely
like lovers denied
the seemingly intermittent beat of my heart
fails to keep time
as it strums out my thoughts
digressively seeking direction...
-----------------------------------------------------------
*Gasp*
::Whispers:: "Did she just put part of a (sucky) poem in the middle of a post?!"
Yeah folks, I did.
I'm feeling random... what are you gonna do about it?
...Reeling it back in...
Maybe I'm scared to write? This is an online journal... linked on a message board, my aol profile, and email. Not that this is the only place I write... I'm just sayin'. (Gosh!)
Like rite now... I could probably totally take the lid off of my heart and spill out every thought and emotion, but I can't do that here. Someone might read it and take it the wrong way and that could be bad. It could be a lot of things.
So maybe it's b/c I'm not taking time to see the beauty. Life, sometimes, feels like it's moving too fast. Yet, too slow. Something is missing. (Notice I didn't say *someone*) And a lot of the time I think about things I don't have. I should be focusing on the things I do have... that would probably make life feel more complete. And maybe that's where my creativity lies.

Oh, I'm little lost and not so sure I want to be found. God help me.

So, I just rambled... Hey! That's a start.

And now, I'm gonna hit the books like a fat kid on chocolate cake. I mean, I'm gonna study... hard.

...

My memory will not fail me now,
And the rest is history...

A blessing.

2005-05-14T01:53:00.000-05:00

I can't quite find the words to describe what I'm feeling. I'm gonna post another's words....
But a big ol' wave of feelings, memories, and emotions hit me today and these words are part of that.

Listen.
...

Ever

You ripped me wide open
Wounded and curled
Broke the skin to let my joy spill out
Scarred my world
Like a permanent smile
Wrecked my idea of heaven
Threw open the blinds to let the light shine in
Said, To hell with what you think you know
You have no idea what you're doing
I'm going to teach you to dance
You put a finger on my lips
One hand on my hips
Leaned in and whispered
The music is inside you
I said, The world is too big to love
You said, Love it one bite at a time
I said, I don't know if I can die like this
You said, Close your eyes and let me break your fall
You'll be raised up if you'll just lie down
Sow your love into my fertile ground
I said, There was a time my brother built a tree house in the swamp
How did he do that with just some spare lumber and a hammer
There was a ladder that we climbed
And we sat and looked out into the summer sun
Together
My brother said, without saying a word,
Everything we need to know is right here
There is no other world
We'll never have more than we have right now
Maybe we glimpsed it all in that blurry Pennsylvania sunset
You said that's the kind of love I'm talking about
We can get it backI can pull for you
And pour myself into your sleepy heart
Like black coffee
You'll wake up and there will be this aroma
Coming up the stairs
From the kitchen
You'll sit up and stretch your arms and think
I can do this
And the thing about this one is
I don't have an ending in mind
. . .

-linford detweiler

We're falling in love again... me and Jetta James.

2005-05-13T00:36:00.000-05:00

2005-05-05T23:06:00.000-05:00

That's rite, ya'll. 90% on my A & P exam. Next chatper: Neurophysiology!
..

Matter-of-Course

2005-05-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

...
you hit me like the cold in the morning rain
you hit me like the wind against a moving train
you hit me like a preacher with a heavy soul
i will find another way home

you hit me like deliah on samson
you hit me like the fires on rome
you hit me with your fear, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way home

you hit me like the anger of mexico
burnin' down the doors of the alamo
you hit me with the things i already know
i will find another way home

when you hit me, yeah you always leave a trace of it on my skin
when you hit me, i'm in no man's land, relevating it
when you hit me the whole world feels abuse and my regret

when you hit me, i am not me
i am not me, when you hit me
i am not me
when you hit me, i am not me

you hit me like the blue of the ocean sky
you hit me like the heat of july
you hit me with your fist, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way...
i will find another way...
i will find another way home
...

-kim taylor

Rock n' Roll Heaven...

2005-04-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

So, I had a very odd dream last nite.

I can't really recall how it started out. The first thing I remember is looking down at the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing ever. I asked our "tour guide" where we were, and she replied "rock n' roll heaven". (i know, right?)
It was a big building, with hundreds of little rooms meant for playing and listening.
So strange, but cool. It wasn't all musicians tho. There were a lot of celebrities, and some normal folks, like myself. Not everyone was dead, it sorta felt like a place for broken hearts. I felt so lost, but the music made it worthwhile.
And I could use my cell phone. I called my mom, but of course I didn't have a very good signal. (I'm guessing there aren't cell phone towers in heaven.) So then I tried to call some friends, but still couldn't get thru. I was panicking b/c I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally got ahold of my mother... she couldn't hear anything I was saying. Thru the static I hear my mom say, "he'll be waiting for you at the doors"... and then the phone cut out. I knew who she was talking about. So I started walking, looking for these doors... looking for him. The place was so big, I walked for what felt like years. I started to give up. And then I ran into this lady... She was old, and very wise to what was going on. I have no idea who she was, but I felt a kinship with her. She only told me to wait...

And then I woke up.

What a strange dream, in so many ways. Hmmm...

2005-04-22T02:02:00.000-05:00

haha.
"Kylie with gout." Artwork courtesy of Anna.

2005-04-22T01:57:00.000-05:00

Much prettier in real life.

2005-04-22T01:56:00.000-05:00

me and my buddy, michelle.

...

2005-04-22T01:52:00.000-05:00

...

I'm in a picture-posting mood.
Me, Karin Bergquist(OtR), and Kimberly.

venting...

2005-04-17T23:18:00.000-05:00

i never took your hand
because i never trusted it
you've done all you can do, i suppose
but, you repeatedly fell on your face,
as i watched, as she picked you up
and fortunately let you go.
no one ever saved me
the way you could have,
if you were someone else.
maybe things could have been different,
mabye i wouldn't be the way i am,
disappoint(-ing, -ed) and delusional.
. . .

2005-04-04T03:06:00.000-05:00

...

Call it the shadow of myself.

2005-03-23T01:46:00.000-05:00

I was thinking...

Before all of this crappy love junk, I was doing really well. I remember thinking positively and being happy just b/c I'm living in Cincinnati. Sure, I was sorta bored and was itching to make some new friends and whatnot. But I'm feeling pretty lonely rite now. I have a roommate, good friends all over the country, supportive family, and a serving job I like. But mostly things feel icky. I'll get over it, I know... I just need to vent a little. I really want to get back on track with school, and save money. I want to get into shape, and highlite my hair(I think I'll do that tomorrow). I want to be a better person... stop "feeling" so darn much. It's annoying, and it's not so healthy at times. (I wonder if this is too personal) There's so much I could be doing rather than being sad, and lamenting over someone not worth the energy. There's so much to be done. I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said "we're only as happy as we choose to be". Hmm.

I'm also really looking forward to a certain Apple gathering coming up in a few weeks. It will be so refreshing to see all of their smiling faces. It's exciting to think of laughing with everyone. (that sounds really dorky!) I dunno... I just love me some Apples. And I appreciate the support and words of encouragement from my friends. Ya'll have no idea how much you mean to me. (Love.)

So, Spring is on it's way. Yay! And then Summer! Which means sunny days, evening walks, throwing the ball around, ice cream, open windows, flip flops.... I can't wait! :)

Anyhoo, it's late.

Oh, and by the way... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a few days if that's ok.

Ever.
...

Smiling more...

2005-03-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

I love this song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
...
-U2

And I love this photo... the only thing missing is Keith!
http://www.keithfromny.org/nyc03-2005/nyc01.jpg

my randomness(is that a word?) knows no bounds. :)
...

Bluer.

2005-03-09T12:23:00.000-05:00

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Wow, it's been a rough coupla weeks. Break-ups...
I just don't understand... well, he thinks I just don't accept. We'll see.
I don't like to leave things unresolved, so on a whim I tried to fix that... it was going as well as could be expected and then took a turn for the worse...and now I'm supposed to let go. Interesting.
Love is... Well, let me ask a question to all the fine folks who read my journal. Do you think love is a choice?
I'm not sure how I feel about it being a choice. But then, I'm a "feeler". Some people think too much.
Pain is a reality of life. I would rather love than choose to feel pain. That's just me.

God, I miss "that feeling".

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I did a crazy thing this past weekend... as if driving 8 hours wasn't insane... I made the the "4 hour" trek to New York. I knew I needed to be around folks who care about me. I needed friends, and the drive was well worth it. We walked, and walked, and... walked. One of the coolest parts was seeing where John Lennon was shot and killed. There is so much to see in that city. Times Square is unreal... sorta like "why?"
I would definitely like to go back. Note to self: wear clogs or athletic shoes next time.
Keith, Bill, Mariesa... Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. And thanks for the "LOVE STINKS" tshirt... it goes nicely with my broken heart!
And thanks to Jane and Julie for making me smile and such. And thanks to Karin and Linford for making a girl feel like everything's gonna be alrite.
This kindness and generosity is beyond me. I had a wonderful time exploring NYC with wonderful people. You just have no idea how much I needed it.

And yet, it wasn't supposed to happen.

I had so many thoughts running thru my head, and now it feels blank. How frustrating.

Oh, I feel a little lost. Love is so complicated. ::scream::

...

2005-02-24T16:45:00.001-05:00

why is my heart prone to breaking?

f*ck.

Play-by-play

2005-01-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

Today, I actually smiled and giggled. Someone even told me they missed my giggle. How sweet.

I spent a lot of today in thought. And a lot of time getting advice from three different dude friends.
What a strange day. This has the potential to be a very random journal entry. You don't mind, do you?

This a.m. I talked with a dear(hot!) friend from the Orchard. (man, i miss you) For some reason, this tiny convo had a positive affect on today's outlook. Thank you for your concern.
After that... I showered, made myself smell nice, put on make-up and felt pretty(which is important when you're feeling sickly). :)

I had lunch with my long-lost friend, Steven. Everytime I spend time with this fella... I feel so good about myself. We talked about love, books, tomato-basil soup, Damien Rice, love, and the awkwardness of eating noodles on first dates. He reminds me of my dearest**... less goofy, but so much alike.
He has an easy presence, and enjoys giving compliments. He's romantic with his words... elegant. He's strong, kind, and intelligent. I trust his advice and wish him luck on the book and the job search. Thank you, Steven.

After lunch I rushed to my doc appointment. Interesting, the outcome. And by interesting I mean scary. They scheduled me for a Cardio-Stress Test... that whole 4-hour-hooked-up-to-a-tread-mill type of thing. Normally... I dunno, I don't think I'd be as freaked out. Maybe it's just bad timing. I'm actually scared. I'm twenty-freakin-three years old. I want someone to tell me it's ok, and to hold my hand. I'm keep telling myself it's gonna be fine... but geez, I'm scared.

Good thoughts...

On the way home, I stopped at the church. I just needed to visit with my old youth pastor... Jeff. This man used to be one of the most important in my life. Life changes took our relationship on different paths. Even so, I was greeted with a smile. I've been missed, and that's just alrite. We caught up a bit. I sat down in his office, and that was his cue to give some much needed advice, along with his ever familiar attempts to make me giggle. I love that man. He also reminds me of someone I find dearest**. It's so funny... our conversations. An example... he listens to me ramble and then tries to convince me of something so completely silly and I say, "you're craaaaazy!... Jeff... focus!" "Oh ok... go on". Repeat. And then finally the good advice comes out. His perspective is the concensus. And therefore, hopeful.

Yesterday I didn't even listen to music. Today I sang on the way home.

A little later in the evening, I believe I made a new friend. So, thanks to Janelle for making me laugh and feel proud to be a girl. She's a gem, that one.
You sit back and relax, I'll row for now. ;)

I sat down and read some things online... sadness ensued. "I felt my head was like a heavy flood... I'm gonna float or I'm gonna sink..."

I'll float rite now, thanks.

I just know that whatever I do... it's in love, and I should hope others would do the same. Seems obvious to me. (read: Logic does not always apply)

Thanks for reading this log of my life. You're too kind, and chances are ... you're more than you think you are(to me).
. . .

(**not as in I "own" a dearest... the one "dearest" to me... just to clarify)

I'm not even sure.

2005-01-25T13:23:00.000-05:00

Often, I find myself thinking about what I was doing this time last year. So I suppose I'll share a little.
Last year on this day I was in Japan with a severe broken heart. A lot of you know the story... just the same old lost love blather. Much has happened since then. I've began life again, made a lot of dear friends, seen/heard some good live music, and met someone who's become very important to me. It's been a (lovely)whirlwind, that's fo sho. It's odd to think of how relationships come about and how people's lives become intertwined. I believe this is the most important part of life. Seems obvious to me.
This person I met a few short months ago is among the greatest I've ever known. I knew that in the minutes following the first time we laid eyes on each other. (Sappy? Nah.) The things he's overcome, and the lengths he's gone to make life better is why I respect him so much. His presence is easy, gentle, humerous... He is loved. He is blessed. Troy, you're so much more than I could ever express. And you've made me feel beautiful again. Thank you.

"The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Maybe I shouldn't post these (perhaps) private thoughts. It just is what it is.

Love.

Long time... no write.

2005-01-24T14:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. Primarily b/c I no longer have an internet connection. I'm at the library. Bah.

My thoughts are single, elsewhere, and scattered. This is not a good thing.
Much has happened since I last posted. I cannot, at this time, go into detail. (the suspense is killing you...)

I'm posting lyrics today.

...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
Something, something... stars above.
I want you to be my love.

I want you to know me now.
I want you to know me now.
Break a promise, make a vow.
I know you want me now....

Like I want you...
Like I want you...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
'Cause I want you...
'Cause I want you...
All that you've been through.

-OtR
...

Be still.

Thanksgiving...

2004-11-22T11:18:00.000-05:00

This post is inspired by a thread in the Orchard.

Thanksgiving is probably my favourite holiday. Friends, family, and food.
I love the feeling in the air. Generally, everyone is friendly and excited to see one another. The house is warm, and no one is expecting anything. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade is on the t.v. in the morning, and football in the afternoon. My mother spends her day cooking. (it's like an art form) The food is exceptional and you can feel the approaching Christmas spirit. This may be a bit more romantic than it actually is, but that's the fun part. I do love this holiday.

This year I'm thankful for...

life, and learning it's much better than the alternative.
my parents, and they're generosity. (i love you, mom)
my sister and brother. i can't wait to see them.
my extended family.
my dear friends. i miss everyone so much.
my roommate. i'm ever grateful for what he's provided and how much he's done to help me out. thank you.
the Orchard. joining in that community last spring was exactly what i needed. you made a sad girl smile way more than she ever thought she could. thank you.
someone, in the past year, who's taught me a lot about growing up. you've been more important than i've lead on. you're only you, and it's beautiful.
new friend(s), and laughing. i'm looking forward...
folks who give just to give.
my new apartment. the folks who hooked me up with said apartment, my generous landlords, and the community sorrounding my apt.
for feelings and thoughts. maybe this doesn't make sense. but, i'm thankful that i can take the time and appreciate the small things in life.
and last but not least... books, music, and writing. my outlets.

...

I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Friends, you're in my thoughts. I love most of you. :)

sense of belonging

2004-11-09T23:35:00.001-05:00

so, tonite I was invited to a small group thingy... "house church" is what they call it.

first off, it was held across the street from my new apartment. so it was cool saying, "yeah i'm moving in across the street in a month." :)

also, i didn't feel awkward at all. the folks who invited me, the ones i actually know their names, weren't there. normally in this type of situation, i sorta freeze up and become very backwards and shy. but i felt .... welcomed. and for the first time since i've been living in Cincinnati... i felt like i could call it "home" for the time being.... a very warm and much needed feeling. i cannot wait until i move into my apartment, and into that little community.
...

i don't want to whine or complain. but if anyone could send out some good vibes in the way of financial stresses... i'm all for it. i mean, i can live in my apartment w/o furniture, right? heh.

also, thanks to my dear friends who leave comments here. i don't always get the time to respond. but i appreciate the thoughts and the time you take to leave the message.

goodnite. and i miss you, whoever you are.

it's been a while.

2004-11-03T13:40:00.000-05:00

i haven't posted in a few weeks, mainly b/c i've been to busy to sit down and think of what i want to say. i shouldn't be doing it now, but my head might explode.

after hearing the election results a bit ago, i feel rather "blah". i don't know who has the right answers, but it certainly doesn't make sense to keep handing out the wrong ones. i feel helpless, and quite sad.

there have been two other issues bothering me as of late. i'd rather not mention names nor go into the whole dramatic story.
these "issues"... i'm saying goodbye to. one forever, one just for now. it's just not worth the time i put into it. i wish it were, especially the one "here and now". that's the hard truth, i suppose. i guess i just want more than what is actually available. ... whatever that is??

actually, you know... i will mention one... my ex. what a self-absorbed, delusional asshole. seriously. apparently he lives in some mystery state... my sister was told he doesn't want anyone to know where he is. anyone = me or my family.
every time something comes up about the war... i just get really really pissed. i spent months supporting my ex while he was over there. countless letters, emails, and packages to make his days go better. sure, that was my job. but what did i get for it? nothing. it's totally more than that, i just can't express myself enuf. you spend these nights not sleeping or crying b/c you might get a knock on your door with the worst news you could imagine. and then, you're told you didn't love him and was too selfish to see it? pardon, but that is just crap.
the "funny" thing is, (and it might not seem like it) but i've moved on. just sometimes, certain things bring up unsettled feelings b/c there was absolutely no closure in Japan. and to whom it may concern: get over yourselves, you have no idea and you're just weird.
(/rant.)

i'm really okay... i just needed to vent. now i must study...

rainy day journal.

2004-10-13T10:28:00.000-05:00

i'm craving something beautiful.

do you ever feel like this? ... like untouched passion spilling out in the color of sweet, red wine. it almost feels silly to say b/c it's so strong, i know it cannot be expressed in words. it's that feeling. when i have it, i'm so thankful i feel like i could die right then and there. and it has nothing to do with me, it's another's beauty. it's in a painting, a poem, or in a chord. it's someone's life leaked onto the pages of my life. it's in my grandmothers's tired eyes. it's the exchange of touch. it's giving. it's so much. if i'm making any sense, please don't take it for granted. slow down, and search for it. let it come to you. just don't miss it.
....

brand new day.

2004-10-11T13:46:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm here. I live in Cincinnati, now.

I'm feeling a bit lonely, I think. I'm sure it will pass... I start school on Tuesday, and hopefully a new job really soon. :) I just can't wait to get out... find some cool places, and meet some cool folks. I sound like a nerd... so, I'll add to that... I sorta miss my mom. And my bro and sis. And it's weird not having my dad around to put things together or fix stuff.

I'm not complaining... this is what I want. It's just transitional, and will take some getting used to. In the words of Martha Stewart... "This is a very good thing." *snicker*
That said, it's time to look for a job, and start saving for my own place! Woohoo! (i can't wait for Casie to get here!!)

I'm truely grateful to Dave for letting me live here for the time being. And very thankful for my mother... she took me shopping for all those much needed little items. Thanks, mom.

I love most of you. G'day!

Life is weird.

2004-10-05T09:09:00.000-05:00

... a broad statement, I realize.

I always find myself thinking, "what was I doing one year ago?"... well, last year at this time I had a boyfriend, and we were seriously talking marriage. I had a horrible job, and I wasn't in school. My church-life was becoming non-existent. My closest non-boyfriend-having-girl-friend was someone I barely speak to now.
Today, I got an email from said girl-friend saying she got engaged last nite. I haven't had a date in over a month. I'm moving to another state in less than a week. School will take up a lot of my time(thankfully). I'm really going to miss working at Beatniks. And I frequently wonder about God. If he's there, why hasn't he reached out?
...

"clear in the middle
where the walls don't bend,
there's a soul on the edge of being born again.
the sky's all blue and the coulds move high
like the smoke above the mirror to my after-life.
i know it's crazy, i don't care...
i'm not wreckless, i'm no good
i know that i'm not doing like i said i would."

and these... are the days of our lives.

2004-09-28T01:15:00.003-05:00

i feel overwhelmed, and very unsettled.

there is just so much going on. there's good and bad. i feel like 10 different people trying to align schedules for an important meeting.

i've had some interesting conversations with all different types of friends, lately.
and in other friendships, not enough conversation... which only stresses me out and makes me try too hard.
i've met these cool guys at Beatniks. i'm leaving. bad timing.
my mother is hurting. but doing well with her diet.
i need to visit my grandmother... this brings tears to my eyes.
i'm lonely.
i think "he" moved away.
my sister barely speaks to me.
i don't have a job lined up in Cinci.
i don't know if i want religion anymore. at least, i don't rite now.
i really love to sing, but i suck.
i'm scared about moving. what if i miss something important? will i make friends? this is the right thing, isn't it? will i be able to get my own apartment?
re-finishing this wooden desk gives me a good feeling.
money and bills suck.
i don't want to be forgotten.
i crave passion.

i know, deep down, it's all going to work out. but rite now, well, i'm just not so fine.

"how can i taste so many kinds, and still have one song in mind?"
...

.....

2004-09-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

it makes a difference
when you walk through a room
with that worrisome smile
road weary perfume

but this isn't the place
and it isn't the time
for this beautiful delusion
that is robbing me blind

i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when i go

it makes a difference
that i'm feeling this way
with plenty to think aboutand so little to say
except for this confession
that is poised on my lips
i'm not letting go of God
I'm just losing my grip

i want to know
i want to know
will it keep you guessing
when i go

what is a love
if the love's not my own
this is not my home
this is lonely
but never alone

i just want to hold you
in my gaze for awhile
so i can remember
every line around your smile

then i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when I go
...

2004-09-22T01:41:00.000-05:00

Well, tonite I had plans to tell my boss that I'm leaving. He never came in(which is weird), so I ended up leaving a short letter. I just had to get it out, I couldn't let it wait until Thursday, and tomorrow I'll be in Cinci all day. *sigh* It will be alrite. It's just bad timing.
...
That cute boy came in again tonite. He's cute. Let's just say I did alrite in the tip department. That's all. :)
...
I should go to bed. I have to get up early to work on the desk I'm refinishing, and then off to Cinci for a meeting and a small job search.

Goodnite.

i just love photos!

2004-09-20T20:38:00.000-05:00

college2
... all my girls from college. the beautiful blond on the bottom was my roommate freshman year. the girl in green(also a kileigh) on the bottom, and the 4 girls below me were my closest friends.

sunday afternoon.

2004-09-20T15:48:00.001-05:00

I must say, yesterday was quite lovely. It was sunny, and about 70 degrees.

One of the girls from work had previously told me about some free house type stuff she was giving away. So I stopped by their house to rummage thru all the boxes. I got a glass pie dish(What? I can bake!), two serving dishes, some silverware, and some Tupperware®. I also picked up an antique wooden chair, begging to be restored. This is all so exciting. I stopped by the fleamarket(that's such a gross name when you think of it), found some old dishclothes, and 3 of the greatest old old black and white photos. I'm just beyond myself about those... I "bartered" for them too. Haha. One is in a frame, it's a class picture from the 20's, i believe. The other two photos are portrait shots, one a younger lady and the other an older(tired) women. They are just fantastic! I can just see them hanging on the wall in my little vintage apt. Hehe. (I better calm down!)
Afterwards, I stopped in Beatniks b/c my sister was working by herself. One of the cute boys who comes in rather regularly was there. *sigh* Yeah, so we sat and talked for the next 3 hours or so. It was refreshing. He's cute, but it was nice to not be hit on or propositioned just b/c I'm a female. Even so, if he asked... I'd most likely have a positive reply. :) We played a few songs on guitar, he sang(wow), and then I got out the bongo drums. What fun! ...but painful!
My luck... he's probably interested in my sister. *sigh* Ahh well.

It was a nice Sunday.
...

--listening to CowboyJunkies, Open---> Courtesy of Michelle from Hawaii. :)

a trip down memory lane...

2004-09-18T15:49:00.000-05:00

so, i've been going thru a lot of boxes in preparation for the big move. i came across a bunch of stuff from high school. what a trip! i'm really not sure why i was one of the popular kids... i looked like such a dork! i guess we were all pretty dorky. i found myself giggling as i paged thru a coupla yearbooks. i also found my "senior will". my goodness, it brought back a lot of memories with close girlfriends! makes me wonder if there was anything we didn't laugh about.i also found a lot of pictures from my "college days".... still dorky, but a little prettier. haha.

all this to say, it's funny how life takes so many unexpected turns.

life is good.

here are two of the many pictures i came across...

2004-09-18T15:44:00.000-05:00

highschool

a quickie

2004-09-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

i've officially started packing. i've found i have a lot of junk, a lot of memories i'm not ready to throw away, and more music than i originally thought. however, i'm missing two cds... jack johnson(brushfire fairytales) and the jayhawks(most recent). if anyone has information regarding these cds, please contact your local police. thaaaaanks.
...

i'm really really dreading having to tell Beatniks about leaving. right now, i'm pretty much waiting for the appropriate time to break the news. *sigh* i know it will all work out, but "eh".
...

i'm proud of myself for the amount of mundane tasks i accomplished today. *pats self on back*

yeah... we're gonna be alrite.

off to work... ..... .... ......

The 11 o'clock news...

2004-09-16T01:14:00.000-05:00

...included a feature story of 4 U.S. Marines coming home from Iraq. I'm all teary-eyed. I can never watch these types of stories w/o crying. Last year when Joe came home from Iraq, I felt so horrible that I could not be in N.C. when he got off the plane. No one was there for him, not even his family. The day after, I said, "screw my job", rented a car, and surprised him. When I arrived, I remember feeling so safe, and protected, along with many other emotions. Going thru a war with someone is not easy. I better stop now.
...

"Life is strange. (Life is good. Life is how it should be.)"

frustrated...

2004-09-16T01:01:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to switch over to blogspot, but this is a little more complicated than livejournal, so it seems. any help would be appreciated.

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